I remember the deep, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach each time we pulled into the church parking lot. I would look back at my precious toddler’s face and wonder how I was going to make it through the two-hour liturgy. How much time would I spend chasing him around today? How often would I have to take him out to the back so he wouldn’t distract others? Would I get a chance to pray at all today? Would things ever get better?
Taking young children to church is just plain hard. I have three young children (ages 7, 3, and 2) and a husband who frequently serves at the altar. I am absolutely exhausted at the end of liturgy!
In the Orthodox Church, we believe that children are full members of the church who can and should participate in all aspects of the Divine Liturgy. That means that we don’t send children out to Children’s Church and most churches don’t have a nursery. And, I love this theology. Last week I shared my post Engaging Children in Church: Tips and Tricks for Parents to offer some ideas and encouragement for parents of young children.
This week I want to switch the focus. Many of you do not have young children. Perhaps your children have grown. Maybe you are single or married without children. What is your role? How can you interact with that young mother struggling to survive liturgy?
How to Encourage That Young Mother at Church
1. Tell Her She is Doing a Good Job
We mothers are our own worst critics. We are constantly bombarded with messages that tell us how we should be–the perfectly organized house with creative touches, the time spent doing craft projects or going on amazing outings with our children, the “breastfed/ cloth diaper/whole foods/ insert other ideology here” approach to parenting that we should have.
And we fall short every time. We know our mistakes and failures. We know that our children are being too loud and distracting you during Liturgy. We know that our toddler shouldn’t run toward the altar shouting with delight at seeing his daddy. We know and are truly trying our best.
One morning after Liturgy (during which my toddler did exactly what I just described!) a woman came up to me and said, “I just want you to know that you are doing a good job as a mother.”
I about wept.
This woman had two teenagers. She knew what I was going through, and she provided the support and understanding that I needed. Such a simple comment–but I have never forgotten it.
2. Love Her Children
There is no surer way to love a mother than to love her children. Ask her about them: how old are they? what are they learning right now? what is their favorite thing to do? Let her share stories of the weekly triumphs and struggles of her little ones.
Get to know the children yourself. Make it a point to say hello to them and ask them a question each week. If you have been going to church with them since they were born, tell them about their baptism. Children love to hear stories about themselves! Over time they will come to know that you are a trusted adult who cares about them. Children need to have role models outside of their parents, to understand that they are loved by the grown ups in church.
3. Offer to Lend a Hand
Once you have built a relationship with the mother and children, it will be quite natural to offer help.
Here are a few ideas:
-Hold the baby for her so she can focus on the toddler.
-Take the toddler for an Icon Walk (a walk around the perimeter of the church where you point out icons and explain their meaning) so she can pray in peace for a minute.
-Help a school age child follow along in the liturgy book.
-Take one of the children up for communion.
-Explain what is going on in the Divine Liturgy. Give a play-by-play commentary.
-Offer to watch a child during coffee hour so she can have time to chat with adults.
-Give the child a job to do after Liturgy. Kids love to help! Perhaps they can help you wash dishes, count money from the offering, wipe tables, put Liturgy books away, or weed a flower bed.
Remember the woman I told you about earlier? The one who told me I was doing a good job? She also has taken my children to communion, held babies, let my son “help” count the offering money, and so much more. What a gift.
4. Tell Her You Are Glad She’s Here
As much as I love the Liturgy and long for communion with God, there have been weeks when I wondered if going to church was worth it. By the time I got three children clean and dressed, drove 40 minutes, tried to keep them still and quiet during Liturgy, and then watched them during coffee hour, I had nothing left in me. Why go at all?
So, tell the young mothers in your parish that you are glad they are there. You are so happy that they bring their children to church–yes, even the squirmy ones who cry.
Be the Church that says, as Jesus did, “Let the little children come to me.”
And be the Church that welcomes the mothers with “Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy-ladened, and I will give you rest.”
*If you would like more inspiration as you raise your children in the Orthodox faith, please follow my Facebook page. Each day I share posts and tips of my own as well as those of people much wiser than me. Join the the community and discussion! You can also follow me on Pinterest where I post many resources for Orthodox parents.
(Linked to Faith-Filled Fridays, Tips and Tricks.)
I’m Lutheran (Missouri Synod) which shares a lot of similarities with the traditional Orthodox faith. Thank YOU for writing this. It’s very true that church can be difficult as a mother with little ones, but I agree that it is important to raise the children in the church from the beginning – hearing God’s Word. Beautifully written!
Thanks, Kristen. One mother of teenagers in our church told me that she wishes she had brought hers when they were little. The thought was just too overwhelming, so they all stayed at home for a few years. Almost every Sunday we are in church, she tells us again how glad she is that we are all there. I love that! I hope to be as encouraging to other mothers, especially when I get older and perhaps forget how difficult it was when I was in the trenches.
What wonderful tips. I’m a Latter Day Saint and we too have our children in our service with us. Some days it’s quiet loud and hard to concentrate. However, we are all doing the best we can and we should all remember that. We should also all remember that we are all God’s children and He wants us there. Thank you for linking up to Tips and Tricks. Hope to see you again this week.
This is so important! I was a young mother and I was very lonely. People don’t realize how much a kind word or a little encouragement can mean. Thanks for posting:)
You’re very welcome!
I wish people and the priest at my old church would read this. We left because we had no support there. Absolutely no noise was tolerated there. How do you keep a toddler quiet and still for 2+ hours? You can’t. But we were expected to. I got to the point where I dreaded Sunday morning. I was so stressed from all the looks we were getting. We were made to feel like our little one was the loudest, most disruptive child (she was the youngest by far). We left and went to a much larger church, with more children, where no one bats an eye at the noises kids make. And what do you know, our daughter was one of the quietest, most well behaved children. I was upset for a long time about what happened and the attitude of the community and the priest.
Jules, I am so sorry that you had a bad experience at a church. But, I am really glad that you didn’t give up and are now at a church that loves children. I have seen some families stop going to church altogether when they have a similar experience, which is so heartbreaking. I think that one of my missions in life right now to help churches understand the needs of families with young children so that we can prevent (or at least lessen) the types of experiences like you had.
I identify so much with this post because I currently am that young mother at church. My church also believes that children should be full participants, so they are in the main assembly with everyone else. It can be so hard at times to keep everyone quite and happy! Fortunately, there is a small “mother’s room” where moms can go with fussy babies and still hear the sermons. I use that little room a ton, and even fall asleep in there sometimes, even though I feel guilty about that.
I’m glad that you are at a church where your kiddos are loved and encouraged to participate. And, no guilt about falling asleep. Every mother of newborns has been there. 🙂 I vividly remembering looking forward to a two hour car ride when my oldest was a month old–just because I knew I could get two hours of sleep!
I have fond memories of sitting beside Dad in church. I would sit with him and my brothers on the men’s side right in the front pew. We learned the liturgy and sing the responses. My dad often helped The Priest. Dad let me sit beside Granny on the women’s side once she arrived. Yes we stayed for the entire service. There was so much to see. Dad always had a roll of lifesavers that we got to have if we were good. I remember holding my dads hands during church. My brothers and I knew we had to be good as we sat in the front row. Some tut tutted about me sitting with dad on the men’s side but my dad ignored them. The Priest always welcome us children as well. I am grateful we had such a positive experience.
I am so glad that you had a priest who welcomed you. That is so critical. I believe that one of the most important things we can do as a church is to make sure our children know they are loved in church. Love them, help them know that Jesus loves them, and teach them to love Jesus. That is what will keep children coming back to church even when they are adults!
This is a wonderful post that I hope many get to stumble upon! It is so important to provide support and fellowship to newcomers, including children as newcomers as that is what they are. Often, the best way to keep the spirit and love of attending church alive is to show support and kindness to your neighbor! Thanks so much for sharing!
You are very welcome, Larissa. Thank you for your sweet encouragement!