When my husband and I became Eastern Orthodox seven years ago, I knew I had come home. However, I wasn’t sure how to make my own home reflect my new faith. This series–”So I’m Orthodox, Now What?”–is based on the questions I asked myself in the first few years after our chrismation: How could I make our home a “Little Church”? How could I instruct my children in a faith that I myself was only beginning to explore? After some experimentation, conversations with older and wiser Orthodox mothers, readings, and instruction from spiritual fathers, I have found ways to create an Orthodox home. I hope that this series can provide encouragement and practical ideas for new converts and a forum for more seasoned Orthodox families to share their practices.
I remember it so clearly. It was Holy Week, and I was in church with my very active two-year-old. All was somber as we began the Procession for Holy Friday. So quiet and reverent…..until my son made a beeline for his father, who was holding the cross in the procession. He ran right in front of the priest and nearly tripped him, knocked into the subdeacon holding the incense, and ended up on my husband’s feet at the front of the procession.
I thought I would die of embarrassment.
Has anyone else been there? (Please tell me I’m not the only one!) Having children with us in church is hard work! Is it worth it? Can it be made easier? Does it ever get better (please, please say yes!).
Orthodox Philosophy of Children in Church
My husband and I both grew up in Protestant churches where young children were generally sent to nurseries. Often the older children had a “Children’s Church” during the sermon and rejoined the adults at the end of the service. That was my normal.
However, this is not the normal in the Orthodox Church. Our Church teaches us that children are fully part of the Church. They partake in its sacraments. They participate in its Liturgy. They belong.
I deeply appreciate the beauty of this teaching. I love hearing children singing “Lord have mercy” or belting out “Christ is risen!” at the top of their lungs. I get choked up when my little ones sing the Lord’s prayer with us for the first time or reach up on tiptoe to kiss an icon. I am so glad that my children are welcomed into the Church.
But it can be absolutely exhausting having them there.
Engaging Children in Church: Tips and Tricks for Parents
Quick disclaimer: I am by no means an expert in helping my children pay attention during church (or even to be quiet!). I am learning and growing in this. These tips apply to me, too.
1. Practice Hymns at Home
Try to incorporate hymns of the Church in your Morning or Evening Prayers. We sing the Lord’s prayer twice a day. We also sing “Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal” in the morning and “Come Let us Worship and Bow Down” in the evening. You could also sing the Hymn to the Theotokos, Christ is Risen from the Dead, or other festal hymns.
Children love being able to sing along with the adults when they know the hymns. This helps them focus and participate. The more hymns they know, the more they can participate!
2. Use the Whole Body
I don’t know about your children, but mine have a little, (ahem) a lot of energy. They need to move, and a two hour liturgy can get a bit long. That’s why I love the movement that is naturally part of the Liturgy. If you teach your children the sign of the cross when they are young (my kids learned at age two), they have ample opportunity to move their bodies during church. Model prostrations and help children make them when appropriate.
In our church, children all go to the front of the church and hold candles during the Gospel. My kids love being able to walk up and stand next to their friends for awhile.
3. Venerate Icons
Children are drawn to icons. In my experience, they are somehow able to understand and draw spiritual focus from them. If you have a squirming toddler who is fussy, try walking around the back or perimeter of the church to look at the icons. Stop before each and quietly explain who it is and have the child kiss the icon. At every church I have attended or visited, this has been completely acceptable. I have seen many older parishioners smile at us as we go by, happy to see a child venerating an icon.
4. Use Liturgy Books Strategically
There are several fantastic books for children that walk them through the Divine Liturgy. For younger children I recommend The Child’s Guide to Divine Liturgy. It has excellent illustrations that help kids follow along with and mark the key parts of the Divine Liturgy. By knowing what is coming up and what to look for, younger children can participate more fully. Any teacher will tell you that the more involved a child is, the less likely he or she is to misbehave!
Older children who can read will be able to follow along in your church’s liturgy book. My son (the same one who almost tripped our priest!) is now six-years-old. We require him to follow along in the book, reading and singing, for the first part of the Liturgy. After the homily he can either continue following along or read his children’s Bible.
5. Give Children Jobs
Most young children love helping. Try to use this desire to involve the children in Liturgy. Let young children learn how to light candles carefully. I ask my daughter to “let Mommy know” whenever it is time for Communion. At three-years-old, she has learned all of the cues! (“Mommy, Father just closed the curtain.” “Mommy, we just said the prayer.” “Mommy, he opened the curtain. It’s time for Communion!”)
In some churches, children can join the choir or sing at the chanter’s stand. Our church allows children to help the greeters in welcoming people in and helping newcomers find the Liturgy books and candles. When my son was four, our treasurer let him help count and sort the money from the offering. He took his “job” very seriously and loved the responsibility! When your son is old enough, talk with your priest about having him become an altar server.
6. Realize that They are Children
If you have a toddler with limitless energy and a very limited attention span, these tips may seem absolutely impossible. My child pay attention and sing, yeah right, lady! And, I get that. Completely. My children are 6, 3, and 1, and my husband serves at the altar many Sundays. That means I have three little ones by myself. Whew. At the end of Liturgy, I am completely wiped out.
It can be easy to become frustrated with your children.
-To resent them for distracting you during Liturgy.
-To long for a time when you can worship without distraction.
-To want to shoot spitballs at that mom whose three young children sit angelically for the entire service. (True story.)
-To feel that there must be something wrong with you as a parent because yours decide to yell at the top of their lungs while sprinting toward the altar. (Also true story.)
Remember, however, that they are children. They will make mistakes. They will make noise (gasp!). They will act like children.
But, they are God’s children. And He wants them in his Church. He welcomes them–and you–to His house.
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(Linked to Faith-Filled Fridays.)
Hi, Sarah, God bless you!
Your have done a wounder full Job.
Thank you, Victor. I appreciate the encouragement.
I really like the idea of practicing hymns at home. I think it’s a great way to teach our children at home and also prepare them for going to church. I remember our little son got really excited and attentive at church when we started singing a hymn that we sing at home pretty often. Going to church is something we are trying to help our kids understand the importance of. Singing hymns at home invites them to ask questions and also provides a safer home life. Thanks for your helpful ideas for us to help our kids with. Like you said, it’s not always easy! But we think it’s worth it.
I remember being so proud (and slightly embarrassed!) when my then three-year-old belted out “Our Father” at the top of his lungs! I think everyone in church smiled at him that day. 🙂
I think that it’s so important that children go to an organized religion. When I was a kid, it was my church that helped me establish a base for my life. I like your idea to give children jobs. It’s important for them to feel like they’re contributing to the churches success.
I agree that helping children feel like a true part of the church–through jobs– can be a great way to help them become (and stay) involved in church. I grew up in a Protestant Church, and I became our church pianist when I was in 8th grade. Working hard each week to learn the hymns and to help people sing them really gave me a sense of purpose at church.
I can relate to having to handle kids with energy. I sometimes find myself in the aisle grabbing my two year old. I agree that it is important for children to attend early and if not understand at least make it a routine.
I had to smile when you mentioned your two-year-old. My youngest is two right now, and he is definitely in the energetic, exploration stage! For the past few months we have been standing up in the very front of the church so that he (and my other two) can have an unobstructed view. In the Orthodox Church we stand for most of the Liturgy, so the kids would only get to see the legs of people in front of them otherwise. When I put myself in his place, I could completely understand his need to “break out” in church. He wanted in on the action! Now that we’re closer, he’s been a bit calmer. (This has worked with him, though my oldest would just have tried to go up and help his dad as a tiny altar server!)
I’m not orthodox, but I do take my family to a Lutheran church. However, I really think that this post is quite useful, because it has been my recent quest to find a way to engage my children more. Some of these things, like practicing hymns at home, are things that I should be doing with my children. What are some other activities that I can do at home with my children to help them grow closer to God and be more involved with church?
Hello Faylinn! So glad that you found The Orthodox Mama. I’m always excited to have a good conversation about faith with people–regardless of denomination. As a reading teacher, I’m always very big on designating time to read with my kids each day. I have been very conscious about building up a good library of books of faith to add to our reading time. I have one small bookshelf in our living room dedicated to children’s books (so that they have easy access), and one entire shelf is for our “church books” as the kids call them. I have found great books about different feasts and holy days of the church, about saints, about church services, and about how faith interacts with kids lives. For me this was one small, tangible step that I could take to help make faith and church a part of our daily lives.
Hi Sarah,
I love your blog. I have a 15 month old. During the service I point out the parts of the service to her, and she “tells me” when Daddy comes out of the altar (he’s a deacon), but at 15 months, what else can I be doing with her? I feel like she’s too young to understand about singing or even kids liturgy books. Most of the time she ends up playing with a quiet toy by my feet or we go kiss icons. What age do the toys go away and you start expecting your young ones to participate more in the service? Thanks so much!
Hi Jo Anna! 15 months is such a fun age, but it can also be a tough one. They are past the “sit there and fall asleep” stage of infancy, but not old enough to participate fully. Plus, each child is so different that it can be hard to even generalize for the age. With my own three, my oldest was by far the most energetic. I spent a lot of time praying while walking with him! However, my other two were much calmer at that age. We didn’t bring toys with them, but they were also content to sit and look at books. Our church also made some icon books using prints of icons placed into photo albums. They are grouped thematically–one book for icons depicting Christ’s life, one for the Theotokos, one for Holy Week, etc. They kids have always enjoyed looking at them. As soon as your child is able to speak, I might teach her “Lord have mercy” in the tones that you sing it during Liturgy. Then, hold her during some of the litanies and have her sing along with you. You might be surprised at how quickly she’ll pick it up! It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job!