Today I am so, so excited to welcome a guest writer to Orthodox Motherhood! Angela Isaacs is an Orthodox mom and writer. Her board book Goodnight Jesus was one of my kiddos’ favorite books when they were toddlers. And, she has a new book that just came out called I Pray Today. Be sure to check it out! Now, here’s Angela!
Every year “pray more” is on my New Year’s resolution list. And at the end of every year, when I reflect on where my good intentions fell through, it makes the list.
I’m not the only one with this perpetual struggle, either: I heard a priest say that “I should pray more” is the number one thing he hears during confessions. It makes sense to me. When the goal is nothing less than “prayer without ceasing,” everyone has room for improvement.
But reforming our prayerful ways is hard. We mean well (really!) – but all it takes is one stomach virus making the rounds through our family and our good intentions evaporate.
It’s the same problem as another popular resolution: get in shape. Try visiting a gym in January and then again in July – the difference is stark. You can see from the size of the crowd that many people start the year intending to exercise more, but few stick it out.
Many of us want to make positive changes in our lives but our intentions don’t stand up to a real life full of temper tantrums and angsty teens.
The good news is that it can be done. All of us can move closer to the goal of unceasing prayer and we can help our families do it, too.
The bad news is that there is no easy solution. If you want to make prayer a regular part of your family’s life, it takes work. Just like getting in shape requires you to eat your vegetables and exercise more. (I know – I wanted the all wine diet to work, too. But alas.) But if you’re willing to put in the work, I’ve got the tips to get you started.
A PRAYER HABIT
I’m constantly floored by the wisdom of the Orthodox church fathers and mothers. When talking about setting a routine of prayer, they call it a “prayer habit.” Habits are automatic little behaviors that you don’t have to think about. The church’s choice of that word is important.
Modern science is now catching up to our wise forefathers. A lot of research has come out in the last few years on the importance of habits.
Habits are a powerful way to leverage big changes in our lives. You wake up in the morning and brush your teeth. You don’t have to make a conscious choice, weigh the pros and cons, or remind yourself. You do it automatically because it’s a habit. But this little habit builds up to something big: better dental health. (Which is important for overall health.)
What if we prayed automatically? What huge benefits would those little prayers build up to? The perpetual habit of turning to God in prayer would yield many changes.
As I said, I admire the wisdom of the church fathers’ choice of words.
FIND YOUR STARTING POINT
If you want to build a prayer habit, it’s important to know where you’re starting from.
Let’s do an exercise. Grab a piece of paper and something to write on.
On your paper, make a list of all the times you usually pray. All prayer counts, even a short “Lord have mercy.” Consider:
- Praying at prescribed times of the day such as praying when you wake or bedtime prayers with the kids
- Praying for specific events such as praying at mealtimes or when you leave the house
- Praying in response to a cue such as praying when you see an ambulance, pass a cemetery, or hear of someone who is sick
You may want to make another list for your family.
There are other times we should pray as well – praying together in liturgy and other services are a necessary part of our lives. But here we’re focusing on introducing prayer into the rest of our lives.
Now that you know where you’re starting from, you can begin to plot a course toward a more prayerful life.
START SMALL
Many years ago when I was a catechumen, I read The Way of the Pilgrim. A lot of the details have faded to the back of my mind, but I remember one scene in particular:
The pilgrim had gone to a spiritual father and asked him to prescribe a prayer habit. The pilgrim had been working on creating a prayerful life for a while and expected a prayer habit that reflected the progress he’d made. Maybe he would recite a full prayer service and do a few hundred prostrations.
But his spiritual father was wise. He prescribed one recitation of the Jesus prayer. One.
Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
Done.
Here’s the wisdom: If you set out with an ambitious prayer habit, you’re unlikely to stick with it. With a prayer habit such as the Pilgrim imagined, it will be much harder to convince yourself to complete it when life inevitably gets tough. You’ll find lots of reasonable excuses – your tired because the baby was up teething, your teen needs help with algebra, and you’ve got a project due at work.
It’s much easier to stick to a simple routine.
Even on my most sleep-deprived and busy days, I can manage a single recitation of the Jesus Prayer. And consistency is important for building a successful prayer habit. The person who walks a block every day will cover a lot more ground and be much healthier than the overambitious person who runs 10 miles the first week then gives up for good.
PLOT A COURSE
Habits have triggers – things that flip the switch to start the automatic behaviors. For instance, waking up is a trigger for brushing your teeth and hearing someone sneeze is a trigger for saying “Bless you.”
Prayers can have different types of triggers. In fact, the list of example prayers I gave you earlier was grouped by different type of triggers. Prayers can be triggered by:
- a time of day: morning prayer, bedtime prayer, etc.
- an event: mealtime, leaving the house, etc.
- a cue: seeing an ambulance, seeing a graveyard, hearing that someone is ill, hearing a sneeze, etc.
Different triggers lend themselves to different types of prayer. For instance, praying from a prayer book in your icon corner works well at specific times of day (such as waking or bedtime). Events and cues tend to happen on the fly when you can’t easily stop and go to your prayer corner. A short prayer works well for these times.
Look at the prayer habit you wrote down before. What types of prayers are you already doing? What types of triggers are working well for you?
Find one additional trigger you want to add to your prayer habit. You may want to focus on a different type of trigger than you’re already doing. For instance, if you pray mostly at mealtimes, try adding in prayers in your prayer corner in the evening as a family.
Here are some examples to get you started:
- Waking up: go to prayer corner and say the Trisagion
- Evening: go to prayer corner and say the Lord’s prayer
- Mealtime: say a blessing before each meal.
- Leaving the house: say a blessing each time you leave
- Traveling: say a blessing each time you get in your car
- Seeing an ambulance/fire truck/police car: say a short “Lord have mercy” and make a cross for the community helper and those they are assisting.
- Passing a cemetery: say a short “Lord have mercy” and make a cross for those who are awaiting the judgment.
- Hearing that a friend is ill/something bad on the news: Say a short “Lord have mercy” and make a cross for those affected.
- Losing your patience: take a deep breath and say a quick “Lord have mercy” before you respond. Repeat as needed.
PRAYING AS A FAMILY
“Do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t work. Your kids won’t eat vegetables if you don’t. (And they still may not always, but they’ll be healthier for whatever they do get.) Which means that one of the best things you can do for encouraging your children to live a prayerful life, is to work on it yourself. When I started building my prayer habit by praying each morning, my children began praying more themselves.
You can also help build habits in your children. Bedtime routines are a great example: we have a trigger (evening) that starts a series of behaviors (brush teeth, put on pajamas, read a story, tuck in, lights out). Adding prayer as part of this routine can be a wonderful way to start a lifetime habit of prayer. In fact, bedtime prayers with my then-toddler inspired my first children’s book, Goodnight Jesus.
Children will likely need your help to remember their bedtime prayers (just like they probably won’t remember to get ready for bed without prompting). They also may not any more thrilled about prayers than they are about brushing their teeth. But like brushing teeth, it’s something they need to do for their well-being now and the practice will instill a habit that lasts a lifetime.
Praying together at mealtimes is another way to create a family prayer life. After years of praying at meals, my kids will often do it without prompting.
Younger kids love ambulances, firetrucks, and police cars. I gave my kids the job of “reminding” us to pray when we come across one with sirens blazing. I’ve heard many gleeful toddler shouts from the back seat: “Mommy! A firetwuck! We have to pway!”
The same goes for cemeteries – we always say a quick prayer for the departed as we drive past. In our town, this means we rarely drive anywhere without saying a prayer.
My newest children’s book, I Pray Today, was inspired by these prayers with my kids. In the book, a child goes through a whole day observing many times and triggers for prayer: waking, meals, a skinned knee, a sick friend, a tussle over blocks, and, finally, bedtime and with each one with the simple prayer: Lord have mercy. It’s the same simple prayer I taught my own kids.
FOR PARENTS WHEN YOU’RE FEELING STRETCHED THIN
Parenting is just plain hard. When my children were very young, I was very sleep deprived with nerves stretched very thin. I made a habit of using the Jesus prayer to regain my composure.
Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
Like counting to 10, it’s a strategy for calming yourself before you deal with the situation. It has the added bonus of reminding you to deal with your children with the same love you get from your Father in heaven. And a little Godly mercy never goes wrong when dealing with children.
BUILD YOUR HABITS
Olympic marathoners don’t put on their running shoes for the first time and run 26 miles. They start with a small habit and build it over time. Prayer routines are best built through slow, consistent work as well.
Pick one small piece to add to your prayer habit and focus on it. Once that habit is firmly established (after many weeks or even months), add another small part. Move slowly.
Know that what works in one season of parenting, may not work in another. Life circumstances will change as surely as kids do. So come back periodically and review just like we did here. What are you already doing? What is one small step you could add?
Pray for forgiveness when you fall down. The important thing is to get back up and to keep striving for one step further down the path. Those steps (even tiny ones) add up.
Do you have anything to add? What has helped you to build and maintain a habit of prayer in your family?
This post is part of a blog tour in celebration of my new children’s book, I Pray Today. Each day this week I’ll be blogging around the internet.
- Monday, September 24: Raising Saints
- Tuesday, September 25: Orthodox Motherhood
- Wednesday, September 26: Time Eternal
- Thursday, September 27: Charlotte’s blog
- Friday, September 28: Angela’s blog
About Angela
Angela Isaacs is the author of two Orthodox children’s books, GOODNIGHT JESUS and I PRAY TODAY, and other works. You can visit her over at her website: www.angelamisaacs.com
